Meandering Heart

I'm feeling rather lost, alone. No, not alone but lonely.

I'm filled with this intense love for my daughters and for my wife. But it's not enjoyable. It's frightening. On my way to the office this morning I was looking at the mountains. They are beautiful. I'm blessed to live here. It was a weird morning, foggy in parts with the sun hitting a few hillsides. Almost like a dream. Thinking about how beautiful it is here and how blessed I am to be here wasn't comforting because no matter how beautiful a place is we are all going to die one day. I could live anywhere in the world and it wouldn't change that fact.

So the intense love for my family isn't comforting either. I loved spending time with them this weekend. We camped one night. It rained hard the next night and I was sitting at the campfire in the rain with Megan and Noelle. Jen was preping the veggies and chicken for the fire. My little girls seemed so fragile there. Not like they would break but like it was somehow my deep responsibility to make sure they were enjoying the time. I kept looking at them, smiling in the rain, their little ponchos covering all but their faces. It was miserable and they were loving it. It was crazy. It made my heart ache.

I wanted to climb inside their brains and know what they were thinking and feeling. And I wanted them to know what I was thinking and feeling. But we just sat there together and enjoyed the rain and the fire. Then the rain put out the fire so we couldn't cook. It ran through our tent and soaked all our stuff so we had to leave. When we got back home the girls were exhausted so we didn't cook smores in the fireplace like we said. We all went to sleep. The next morning both girls asked if we could go camping again. It made my heart ache and I said "Yes!"

I feel so responsible it's frightening. I want so bad for my kids to be safe, to feel loved, to have a good childhood, and to learn to love God. And at the same time I realize that they just want time with me, even if it's cold, in the rain and hungry on a ruined camping trip. That's a pretty scary realization man! I wonder if God has thoughts like that?